I love Jesus more than life, and I mean that.
I have been entrusted by God with an amazing family. A husband who I am madly in love with and our three kids! My main goal in raising them is that they will grow to know Jesus, love Him and care about the burdens of His heart.
I was putting some pictures together of Scott as a way to remember him and honor him today. Scott really was a GREAT father. He had a ton of patience and was very attentive when interacting with the babies. He could hear what seemed like non-stop crying and it wouldn't stress him out. When they were newborns and I was at home all day with them, he would return from many hours of working and still help me as I passed a crying infant off to him desperation.
I love my earthly father. I especially love who the Lord is making him into. It's awesome and incredible to see his heart becoming more like Jesus'. I never thought too much about the "fatherless". My thoughts used to initially go to aids orphaned children in Africa. These days, I think more about the many fathers that, at best, are distant. Many are absent. I know this doesn't only apply to fathers who are physically absent, but this is said to be the plague of the generation; fatherless homes.
I remember one time I was in Wal-Mart and I saw a (very) pregnant girl and I noticed she didn't have a ring on her finger. I made an assumption (sounds better than judgement right?) about her and her lifestyle and choices. Then the many joys of pregnancy fell upon me too, and my fingers were swollen to the point that my ring didn't fit. Yup... I'm sure you see where I'm going. Even where I find myself in life now, I can't help but wonder how people will perceive me. When I meet someone for the first time who finds that I'm not married but that I have two children, their assumptions will surely be that I am divorced or that I was never married to start with. I wouldn't have even thought of myself to be "judgemental". I am thankful that Jesus has revealed my heart to me. I continually want to be reminded that all of my "righteousness" is like filthy rags before Him. There is no one righteous, not even one (Rom 3:10).
I love this story in Luke 7 36Now one of the Pharisees invited Jesus to have dinner with him, so he went to the Pharisee's house and reclined at the table. 37When a woman who had lived a sinful life in that town learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee's house, she brought an alabaster jar of perfume, 38and as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. 39When the Pharisee who had invited him saw this, he said to himself, "If this man were a prophet, he would know who is touching him and what kind of woman she is—that she is a sinner."
Jesus ate with tax collectors and sinners. The "righteous" and religious asked His disciples why he ate with people like this. Jesus said it is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick (Mk 2: 14-18). It was for sinners that Jesus came (1 Tim 1:15-16).
This is the beauty and romance of the Gospel. Romans 5:7-9 7Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. 8But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. 9Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through Him.
While Jesus was in the garden praying before He died for our sins, He prayed to God calling Him Abba, an Aramaic word which is translated Daddy! As His children, we receive a Spirit of sonship by which we cry out Daddy! (Romans 8:15)
Galatians 4: 4But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, 5to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons. 6Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father." 7So you are no longer a slave, but a son.
In weak words, my heart and spirit want to connect this Father, DADDY, heart of God and the overwhelming love He has for us weak, broken, sinners. Father's day was a bit difficult around our house today. The absence of a really good father on this earth was felt, but the presence of a Great Heavenly Daddy was here. This Daddy will never leave you or forsake you. His love endures forever. He is an ever present help in times of trouble. He takes in all who turn to Him... and especially loves those "sinners" who have a great need for Him. I pray that you had time this Father's Day to reflect on the One who loves you perfectly and pursues you relentlessly. I hope that the love of the Father becomes more present in my life and through my life as I (a sinner) live and walk in this world of sinners. Lord, let me see people through your eyes and love with your heart!
Below is a video of Jason Upton singing about the Father heart of God. Jason was adopted into a family and understands better than most our adoption into God's family through the work of Jesus on the cross. Jason Upton was also Scott's favorite worship leader.
Classes just ended a couple of weeks ago and I wanted to visit a few people before we got settled into a new routine and schedule at The Well.
We went to Alabama to visit "my best friend Tonya" :) from high school and my Grandmother and Aunt Shirley in Selma for the first half of the week. We then went to Mississippi for the rest of the week to visit "Papi and Grandma". While there we made good use of a friend's pool (thanks Vicki) and went out on the boat.
It's so good to see friends and family, but it's SO GOOD to get home. It's hard when traveling with little ones to stay on any sort of routine. I thought that I had become big on schedules and routine because of having children, but I am beginning to think that I need it more than them! We all do better with the discipline of a schedule. So, YEA!!! for vacations, and yea for returning home. I also am really excited about getting in The Well and sitting before the Lord myself for some much needed time in His presence.
Here are a few pictures from our visits! You can click on the album to view one by one.
I had the opportunity to go to Hilton Head, SC with a couple of friends for a few days. It was so great to be in creation, especially with friends who love the Lord and are becoming more like Him everyday. The time there was truly a blessing. I was a little overwhelmed with so much time without my kids, but as I write this I hear them playing in the background and know that I probably needed the respite more than I realize!
We got up at 5:45 to make it out for the sunrise, and we stayed out until 10:00 to see the sunset and moon come up. We spent a good amount of time just sitting on the beach contemplating the rhythm of His creation and how it displays His faithfulness.
Here are a few pictures of our time, on our way home we spent the afternoon in Savannah. By the way, I couldn't believe how kid and dog friendly Hilton Head is! It will definitely be a place to return with the kids one day. Here are a few pictures!
I have been thinking about our fast paced, microwave society. I am so much a part of it too! Last year, I decided I wanted to plant flowers and thought I could put seeds in the ground and have flowers the same season. I was informed that you plant for the next season; normally, plant in the spring to see “harvest” in the fall. Otherwise, you buy the flowers that are already blooming and plant them. As silly as it sounds, the principle that everyone who has ever planted anything knows, there is a season of sowing that precedes the reaping. I did have a surprise blessing last year, some petunias popped up and I didn’t sow for them. It was God’s grace and gift. Sometimes we get to reap from another’s labor, but that’s a whole different topic! Back to my part in our culture; I literally never even push the time 2.00 minutes and start on the microwave. Mine has a “quick minute” feature that from one push it sets it to a minute and starts it automatically. The beauty of tevo or dvr is that you can fast forward through commercials and things you don’t want to see. You can record an hour long show and watch it in 35 minutes minus commercials. Even at Six Flags, you can get some sort of fast pass and spend an hour running to all of the different rides you want to get on, reserving it in a sense, and then come back to it to wait in line for a reduced amount of time. Our culture is filled with short-cuts and it’s no wonder that we “labor” in prayer or seeking the Lord for short seasons, lack perseverance and get weary quickly.
Most of you know I am in a season of pruning, purging, refining and healing. So many times I find myself telling the Lord, let this be over soon. There are so many times that I am literally energized and exhilarated by what He is doing that I am in such a good place spiritually and emotionally. The grief monster is seemingly always lurking though and it has become that I can see it a few days out. I haven’t succumbed to it in the same way or depth recently as I have in the past, but my wounds are still present and painful. I’m tired of going there and rehashing what seems well enough to be hidden under the bandage. Exposing it again and again every few weeks only seems to irritate it. God has been giving me a very vivid picture for how this process must play out.
This is where READER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. When I was 15 years old, my appendix ruptured. I had it removed, but the three inch long, one and a half inch wide wound had to be left opened for several days to remove all of the infected and damaged tissue. The first time after surgery that the nurses came to clean it, it felt like a steal scrubbing thing you use for the really dirty dishes. It was extremely painful. They had to come every few hours to clean it and once I was aware how painful it was, I cried at least 30 minutes BEFORE they came in anticipation of the pain. In essence, what I want many times is for the Lord to “sew me up” without letting the course of healing take place. I am saying, go ahead and just put something over it… it’ll be okay. If the infection is left, it will continue to cause other healthy tissue to rot as well.
I am aware of this spiritually. I want to be the Jeremiah 17:7-8 tree whose roots go down deep into the water, stays green in every season and is not anxious during drought but continues to bear fruit… but without the season of pruning that is necessary. I am thankful that the Lord knows that the real position in my heart is YES LORD, have your way in my life. Don’t stop pruning. Like the good physician, he knows that if he relents under my cries of pain, that the job will not be sufficient. Even gold has to be put through the fire to be rid of it’s impurities. John 12:24 says unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains alone, but if it dies, it bears much fruit. It is the pattern of the Kingdom for us to lose our lives to save it, to decrease so that He can increase, to share in the sufferings of Christ, to take up our cross and follow Him. Although the weight of this work He is doing is at times a hard pill to swallow, He knows that by His spirit in me, my greater desire is that He leaves no remnant of infection. My great temptation is to pretend like the wound isn’t there and to set my gaze on the destination rather than the journey. I understand how one would be tempted to fill this season with busyness … I received advice from many to “keep busy” to make the absence of my husband less difficult. The better advice is to stay at His feet until the healing and deeper work is complete… and then, stay at His feet some more because He is good. He is kind in all His ways and righteous in all His deeds and He satisfies the desire of every living thing (Psalm 145: 14-20).
I want to end with a few verses and an exhortation to wait upon the Lord. My wound happens to be directly related to Scott’s death, although I know the Lord is cleaning and purifying me in every area of my life. I have recently been thinking about the “infections” of bitterness and unforgiveness specifically although I know there are many more than could be named. I know that these, if just covered or masked, will continue to infect other good tissue. They must be dealt with and we have to be in a position of asking for and giving permission to The Healer to come and work in these areas even as painful as it might be.
Psalm 36: 7-9 How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God! And the children of men take refuge in the shadow of Your wings. They drink their fill of the abundance of Your house; and You give them to drink of the river of Your delights. For with You is the fountain of life; In Your light we see light.
2 Corinthians 4:16-17 Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison. I hope that with whatever season the Lord d has you in, you can look at it from His perspective and be thankful in all things.
