What is often bittersweet has been way more bitter than sweet this week. I don’t know the whys behind how grief operates. I honestly feel like things can be stable and maintained and then something triggers the fall that results in days of trying to get myself back together. Sounds a lot like Humpty dumpty doesn’t it?… sounds a bit like my heart as well. “All the kings horses and all the kings men couldn’t put Humpty together again”…but I KNOW that the KING Himself can put my heart back together.
I often think that every part of me that dies through this experience (not only this but all of those ‘deaths’ we die in the Christian walk) He will resurrect with more of the life of Jesus Christ. While that is incredible, that the Creator of the universe can weave the supernatural with the natural, it doesn’t make it any less painful. One of the big triggers is the closet. I don’t touch or look at his clothes very often… but I do think about how I need to get my winter stuff out of there to make more space. Scott used to joke that he had 1/8th of the closet and still I needed that space too. Well, that hasn’t changed! Every time I consider doing the winter-summer swap and taking the majority of his things out, it sends me into a tailspin. Another is needing to mow the lawn. A strange combination of pride and independence (and who knows what else) keeps me from wanting anyone else doing this. The basement is such a reminder of him. All of these tools and things that I have never had to touch are down there. I didn’t find the gas can and I am certain that Scott would be able to go right to it. I don’t think words can describe the wounds revealed from what should be simple tasks.
The amazing thing is that I have realized that there is healing in interceding for people with REAL injustices. My best day this week was when my heart broke over someone/something else. One of my students and I were talking about child sex trafficking. The deep pains that sin and evil leave in its wake are unfathomable…even to me in the midst of my own “suffering”. http://www.innocenceatlanta.org/about is a site about this problem in Atlanta, Ga. It is so easy to not read about, talk about and educate ourselves about these great injustices because it is painful to do so. If you call yourself a Christian and do indeed follow Him, you care about what He cares about and your heart breaks for the things that break His. If you do read about this problem I pray that your heart will break and that it will lead to intercession. I am praying that the Lord will bring justice, freedom and healing for these children and that He will return to bring His Righteousness and Justice to the Earth! I am going to end with one of the passages that I have recently been reading and gaining strength from. You can read it here or look it up in your own time… it’s a long one :)
I love the Lord, because He has heard my voice and my supplications.
Because He has inclined His ear to me, Therefore I will call upon Him as long as I live.
The pangs of death surrounded me, and the pangs of hell laid hold of me; I found trouble and sorrow. The I called upon the name of the Lord: "O Lord, I implore You, deliver my soul!"
Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes, our God is merciful. The Lord preserves the simple; I was brought low, and He saved me. Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you.
For You have delivered m soul from death, My eyes from tears, and my feet from falling. I will walk before the LORD in the land of the living.
I believed therefore I spoke, "I am greatly afflicted." In my haste, I said, "all men are liars".
What shall I render to the Lord for all His benefits toward me? I will take up the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the Lord. I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people.
Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death f His saints. O Lord, truly I am Your servant; the son of Your maidservant; You have loosed my bonds. I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving and will call upon the name of the Lord.
I will pay my vows to the Lord now in the presence of all His people, In the courts of the Lord's house, in the midst of you, O Jerusalem
Praise the Lord!