I love my journeys in the car. They are seldom without Eliya and Simeon competing to see who can make the loudest noise in the backseat; which is actually really cute. Normally, my only alone car time is the 15 minute commute from my mom’s house to the class. All kinds of things take place mentally in this solitude. Often I daze off into a memory, which is awesome since I’m supposed to be paying attention while driving. Even today, I had a memory of Scott that made me laugh out loud, which was followed immediately with tears. I’m glad there is still a box of tissues in the car from the day of the memorial service. I am still amazed at how life can change so quickly. My struggles lately are in attempting to figure out who I am now. Life felt fairly certain before. I was well defined in my roles. Being a wife was one which defined not only the day to day, but the next 40+ years. Now thoughts of the future bring anxiety. I believe it is God’s will for me to rest in Him, in His love, daily. Lamentations 3:22 “The Lord’s loving-kindnesses indeed never cease, For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness.”
There are many illustrations in marriage that can really draw us to the Lord. I hate that I didn’t see some of these sooner. In this more reflective season of life, I have been thinking a lot about intimacy. I actually looked it up to see how it is defined. Intimacy: a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person. Something that I quickly noticed after Scott passed away is how often I the thoughts, “Scott would think this… or Scott would say this…” would enter my head. For example, when going into a parking lot, I park away from other cars so they don’t hit the doors… because that is what Scott would say or do. When something is funny, I think about what his comments would be. When I meet someone new, I hear what I think his opinions would be. Before Scott, I never noticed “wheels” on a car, but through his teaching, I became good at discerning which were supposed to be cool. I knew him well enough that I was put in charge of choosing the Netflix movies. I could watch a preview or hear a song and decide fairly accurately if it was his taste or not. To a degree, his interests became my interests. We were becoming “one”. I guess similar to the saying that you begin to look alike after time. Now, Scott isn’t here and I am left to remember the past, ponder the present and wonder about the future. In all of this, God is making Himself known to me more and more. I am learning that just like with Scott, I can have intimacy with Him. I can know his thoughts. (Psalm 25:14) I can know His heart. He loves me and wants to reveal Himself to me. (John 14:21) It isn’t by accident that He chose the most intimate of human relationships as a picture of how we can know Him. It is my greatest prayer that I/we would have the discipline and desire to sit before Him and hear Him speak to us. Song of Solomon 7: 10
“I am my beloved’s, and His desire is for me!”
This is one of my favorite pictures of us. This was my on my birthday and two weeks after our first anniversary. We rafted the Nantahala that weekend and had such a great time.
I am so thankful for memories and pictures and how God is continuing to reveal Himself through the picture of human relationships.
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